Confession 23: Surviving Motherhood

I love my son. Really, I do. He’s the light of my life. He brings me joy every day in unexpected ways. He’s eager, he’s expressive, he’s loving and cuddly. He also pushes my buttons in ways no one else has done, except maybe my little sister. He’s stubborn, he’s into everything, he’s temperamental, and he doesn’t always sleep a lot. The past few weeks have been challenging for our relationship. We made our big move last week to the small town in southwest Missouri where my husband is the new pastor at the United Methodist Church. I don’t start my new teaching job until the fall, so now am home with our son throughout the day. It’s something neither of us are accustomed to, and both of us are highly resistant to change.

I’ve always been, I hate to say, somewhat snobby in my opinion of stay-at-home moms. This past week alone has given me a whole new respect for them. We have moved from the suburbs to the country, and what I wouldn’t give some days for a book group meeting at Starbucks! Even a playdate sounds like an extraordinary experience, where before I found it a ridiculous concept. I think my son misses his daycare– all of the toys, the other kids, the routine he had established. I find myself looking for different excuses to get out of the house, to make contact, however brief, with the world outside. I think my son feels this too. Our best day this past week was when we made the 30 mile trek into Springfield, to Best Buy, to pick up a modem for our router. I don’t even know what these things are, let alone what they do, but going to get that modem was the highlight of my son and I’s day. We were both in much better moods throughout the afternoon and evening.

I leave this week for a five day trip to New Orleans to a conference for work. Although it will be hard to leave my son (I’ve never done it before) I think it will be good for both of us. We’ve become sort of co-dependent, he and I. We’re our own little island chain during the day in the sea of newness around us. And, as frustrating as these days with him can be sometimes, I know I’m very blessed to have the opportunity to spend this time with him, and that the days are coming soon when we will get back into the busyness of our routines and I will think again, as I often have at work, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just stay home?”

Blessings and Peace,