Confession 40: A Way I Cannot See

I was listening to the latest Sara Groves CD on my way into work. I absolutely love this album. Well, I love most of Sara Groves’ albums, but this one is truly beautiful and has been speaking to me a lot lately. I was particularly focused on the song “A Way I Cannot See” this morning. In this song, she speaks of feeling defeated and burdened, and praying for inspiration and a “way I cannot see” in moving forward. I feel like I’m in this place.

My husband received another angry e-mail from a church member yesterday that has hurt both our spirits. This e-mail was from a member I’ve become close to and truly care about, and her anger at my husband made me very sad. I’m sad that she feels hurt and that it is affecting her ability to worship. I’m sad that her anger and hurt come from something she perceives my husband of doing. Throughout our struggles at our church this past year, it’s been very hard for me to see all of the misconceptions people have about my husband surface. We’ve been in this community almost two years now, and people still think the worst of his intentions. I know he’s not perfect, none of us are, but he has always worked with the church’s best interest at heart. He prays continually for this congregation and is trying to move forward in the direction he feels God calling him to lead. If he has hurt people, it has been unintentionally, and when he knows of a personal hurt he has caused, he has done his best to apologize and reconcile himself to that person. Are there things he would do differently in hindsight? Of course, but that’s true for all of us.

I feel sometimes that people forget he is a human being as well. And, he’s been hurt, too. People have a tendency to say hurtful things to and about him and not think that it’s going to hurt him. But, how could it not? He’s been treated repeatedly like a dumping ground and is expected to just sit and take it. How long can a person, should a person, do that?

I want the divisiveness in this church to end. I want reconciliation. I want this church to grow in this community and to be a vital ministry within our community. Yet every time I see us taking even a step in that direction, something pulls us back. There is little trust, and I’m not sure after two years how to build it. I have to believe that we were put in this place for a reason, but it’s such a struggle. So now I’m looking and praying for “a way I cannot see”. I want God to move in this congregation, to push through the muck and our own human faults and frailties to achieve his work through the people of this church. I want to see God’s work and know the struggle will give way to goodness.

Blessings and Peace,