I have to confess, I’m kind of an expert at rejection. Growing up as a nerdy girl in a small school, you got used to being picked last in every sport in gym class. I got called “three eyes” instead of four during my lazy eye corrective patch stage. Most school dances I went with friends rather than dates. And, so on and so forth. Professionally, I’ve had every type of rejection letter/email/phone call you could get. The worst is the professional “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. Whatever…I just always assume God has something different and better in store. And usually, He does.
It’s ironic then, given my vast experience with rejection, that I am really not much of a risk taker. Sure, there have been moments when God has blown the doors of my life wide open and forced me to free fall into a risky endeavor. That’s how I ended up at seminary twelve years ago–giving up stable, full-time employment to move to a city where I didn’t know anyone and start a Master’s degree program I wasn’t sure would get me anywhere. And low and behold, it forever changed my life, although not in the ways I anticipated. However, I’m digressing….
The point is that when Amy Sullivan invited me to participate in this little “risky business” trial, I wasn’t sure I qualified. In fact, my initial response was, “I don’t want to take a risk.” And that, I think, is precisely why I need this. Over the past year or so, I’ve kind of been stuck in a rut professionally. I know (kind of) where I want to be. But, I’ve done very little to get there. And part of doing very little to get there is because the thought of risking everything I’ve dreamed of and hoped for is terrifying. Thinking about it and doing nothing is much safer than putting it all out there and risking falling flat on your face.
What if the dream I’ve aspired most to never materializes? What if I’m not good enough? What if I have to throw my dream away? What if I was wrong about everything I thought God was calling me to do?
Those are some scary thoughts. Just typing them makes me want to shut the computer and drown myself in a Hallmark Channel movie.
However, the reality is that I will never achieve anything if I don’t take a risk. So right now, I am baby-stepping into risk-taking.
I’ve recently signed a freelancing contract to write an entire unit of curriculum for an online based educational publisher. I just received my “author packet” and I was tempted to immediately email the project manager and tell her she needed to find someone else. “I can’t do it!!!! I’m not smart enough or experienced enough or talented enough! I can’t do this and work full-time, too! It’s going to be awful and I’ll never get another writing contract again!!” And while all of those things might, indeed, be true–I need to take this risk. I need to push myself in the direction that I feel (that I have always felt) God leading me to go.
Therefore, I’m taking a deep breath and wading in. I don’t know where it will all lead or if it will be successful or if it will take me a step farther toward my dream of being a professional writer. I do know, however, that I will grow and be a wiser woman for having taken it.
Blessings and Peace,
Link up with me at Amy Sullivan’s place and share the ways you are engaging in some risky business!!